The Secret to a Good Life

Hmmm.  So, what is the secret of a good life?  Free life on an ocean shore surfing all day?  Having lots of wealth allowing exotic travel, enjoying a massive home in the Hampstead or the coasts in Florida and the Carolinas?  Maybe living part time in Italy or the alcoves of France and European countries?  Hmmm.  Again, what is wealth?  Does it make us happy?

I recently heard an excellent interview with Robert Waldinger, co-author with Marc Schulz of a very popular book, The Good Life.  The authors are Directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.  They are custodial researchers of a study that began in 1938—a full 85 years ago—which has become the country’s longest study in psychology and sociology on happiness and which continues today as Waldinger, and Schulz keep up with the progeny of the original participants of the study.  Researchers who started the study in 1938 had enlisted 724 individuals from both high and poor economic levels of the population.  Every two years during these 85 years, the researchers continued to ask the same questions of the same participants who began in the study: “Who encourages you?  Whom do you call when in trouble?  What do you regret the most in your past?  What has made you happy so far?” 

Of the initial 724 persons, only 40 are surviving but the children of all the participants, living or deceased, have joined the research so the numbers of people questioned have amounted to well into the thousands.  The researchers who have passed on have left their work to Waldinger and Schulz to continue. 

Initially, the researchers wanted to determine the negative effects of first, the Depression and then World War II.  Despite these two calamitous events in our history and their resulting effects on the human psyche, Waldinger and Schulz were very surprised at what they found.  Over 8 decades, the answers were the same for each different cohort in the study.  The answers were further confirmed by using brain scans and blood tests to measure the physical reactions to the questions as well.  

So, what predicts happiness?  Resoundingly, the answer is: the quality of our relationships predicts how happy we are—and, surprisingly, how long we will live!  Social isolation, fear of other people, lack of friends, create immense stress, tighten our arteries, restrict our blood flow and make us physically and mentally unable to handle stress.  Nowhere in the study do any of the persons report that fame, wealth, achievement in career, make them happy.  These gifts will bring happiness for a brief time, but it is not lasting and, in many cases, foster more unhappiness. 

The authors outline three points that register happiness for long periods in life even when subjects encounter grief or disappointment or discouragement.  Number one: Good relationships are stress relievers.  

Number two: Having someone to talk with when we have doubts or fears restores our equilibrium.  Number three: When chronic flight or fight rises, we have someone to turn to for help.  Waldinger asks who encourages you?  Whom do you call when in rough situations?  What do you do alongside someone you like?  

The two final questions asked in the study are “What do you regret the most in your life, and what has made you happy?”  Nearly everyone in the study said they regretted not spending enough time with people who mattered—but they were happiest when spending time with those who mattered.  This continues to astound Waldinger and Schulz.  Runners up in the choices of happiness predictors are health, peace, joy, nature, exercise, and a love connection.  The question is do these predictors prepare us for healthy relationships or are they the result of them?  Waldinger affirms that none of the runners-up will last without relationships.  Somewhere in the mix we have to insert affectionate friendship and love.  And it need not be romantic love, only, though that is a predictor as a relationship.  The key is, say the researchers, we absolutely need to work on our relationships!  Never take them for granted.  Relationships can decay without attention and nurturing.  Try to contact your friend(s) as often as possible.  Get together in person.  Text, call, email, send cards, meet in a coffee shop but always, always treat them as more important than your work or your other responsibilities aside from family.

Reflection

This interview got me to thinking.  As believers in a loving God, we should be all about relationships.  God has us discover certain people with whom we bond so that we can be happy.  Cherish that bond.  At the end of life, would I regret the possibility that I didn’t grow my relationships, especially the closest ones, due to my super-charged selfishness in attending to whatever competes with my relationships?  Further questions might help my reflection:  Do I sensitively contact my friends on a regular basis?  Do I express interest in the things that bind us as well as the things he or she may be interested in?  Do I pray for my relationships, the faithful friend, the loving spouse?  Do I go out of my comfort zone to welcome the friend when he or she needs me?  Make a list of resolutions as to how you can enhance the relationships you are blest to have.

Our loving God is part of the Trinity whose relationship as Father, Son, Holy Spirit creates One holy force that leaves its imprint on our souls as to the real Image of relationship.

The book I have referred to is The Good Life by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.  It is available on Amazon for an excellent price.