Lily is Back. She Offers Advice to Special Pets

Note: Lily used to offer President Biden’s pets advice on occasion. Since the new president does not have pets, she has reached out to the pets of congresspersons. And wow! did she get responses!! She will write this advice column on occasion when we all need a cheerful lift from the news of the day. Enjoy!

“Yo! Lily. I’m a big guy and I need lots of exercise. My humans play with me every day in the yard, and I chase the frisbee and catch balls to bring to them. But on weekends I go to the nearby dog park and play with my buddies. We make takeaway volleyball look better than British rugby! But my humans say we’re not going to the dog park anymore. Too much tackling and interceptions, and too many calls to follow the rules, just like democrats, they say. “Something democrats do all day!” says one, then another adds, “Dog parks are for democrat dogs, not refined republican dogs! Can you imagine? What should I do to get them to resume taking me to my favorite play spot? Dogs are non-partisan; we love anyone who feeds us! And takes us to the dog park! Bonkers in Yonkers”

Lily: Hey Bonkers! I’m with you dude! Dog parks are very fair. So, why not take your leash off the door handle and hide it? Yes, hide it!! I kid you not; your humans will think they misplaced it. Hide it in a bedroom closet because no one looks there for a lost leash. Especially republicans. Too many shoes and slippers in there. Put it way in the back. They’ll never think it’s there. Then, when it’s time to walk they’ll be frustrated cuz they can’t find the leash and they’ll resort to snapping a finger to get you in the car, without a leash, and have no choice but to take you to the dog park. I have tried this. It works! Yay! 

“Hey Lil: I am a French Bulldog. My name is Deco, and I’m considered pretty adorable. I belong to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, you know, AOC. (Sounds like a cool summer drink, right?)  And I love being in the office and playing with other dogs, whether or not they have republican or democrat owners. (Although I’ve noticed the republican-owned dogs and cats get more treats.) But here is my big fear. I’m writing for other pets in Congress as well. We are terrified that Marjorie Taylor Green is considering bringing a pet to her office. Yikes! She once wrestled with an alligator! She seems to relish in scare tactics so the thought that there might be a python or gator in one of these offices has us all running for cover. Even Thom Tillis’s two dogs hide under his desk at just the sound of Green’s voice! I run for cover on Alexandria’s sofa—under the cushions. What can we do to avoid some predator from having me or any of my pals for lunch in the hallowed halls of Congress? Frenetic Frenchie”

Lily: Buck up, Buckaroo!! French bulldogs, like you, are known to be playful, bright, and affectionate, among other fine qualities. And you guys hardly ever bark! Wow! Sleep deprived congress persons would love that. You look fierce but you are wishy-washy at the core. You sound like the Cowardly Lion in Wizard of Oz. Remember him? He’s very encouraging asking: “What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the hottentot so hot? Courage! What puts the ape in apricot? Courage!” Take inspiration from the song, Deco. Walk resolutely in the halls. No more sniffing the floor; head up. You have bigger prey to intimidate. Get your pals to do the same. You’ll be among the very few in congress with backbones. You might be small, but you come from bulldog stock. Your ancestors nipped at the heels of raging bulls in the ring. You don’t need to bark; your presence is enough to make even Marjorie Taylor Green tread softly. You are a bull in miniature! Get the word out. Organize a platoon of canine security and march in a phalanx down the halls with you in the lead. The only hissing you’ll hear from Green’s office won’t be from a gator or a rattlesnake or python. It’ll be from the human occupant.

Reflection

My Mam read a nice passage to me from the book, Dog Songs, by the late poet, Mary Oliver. “What would the world be like without music, or rivers, or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs?” (p. 121 and, I add cats.) Why not think of this sometime this week and let the anxieties of politics wash away in the flood of grace and gifts. Remember, God wants us to be happy and that often means we need to be good pets to calm our companions, to teach them kindness, love, and sincere loyalty. I think you guys need to also sign up our feline friends as spies. They can wander unobtrusively among the offices and tell you what’s going on. Oh, my goodness. I see a department of Homeland Security for all the pets in Washington developing and you will be the Chief Pawlicy Offer. Get ready, Deco.

D.C. News Flash: (D.C. for Dogs and Cats in Washington) HR 9508 will allow pet owners to use their HSA (Health Savings Account) or FSA (Flexible Spending Account) to cover up to $1,000 in veterinary costs, with no limits for service dogs. The Bill is still pending.

The U.S. Navy has organized Operational Stress Control Canine Pilot Program for ship personnel. This will help to lower stress on board U.S. ships at sea.

P.S. Pope Benedict XVI was a strict moralist, so he was often called ‘God’s Rottweiler.’ Pope Francis was a compassionate man who loved people and fun. He was recently referred to as ‘God’s Labradoodle.’

Talk to you again, my pet friends. The mailbag is bulging, but I’m happy to respond to as many as possible. Love, Lily  

Quote from Dog Songs by Mary Oliver. Penguin Books, 2013.